ROMANCE NOVEL by DEIRDRE™

Novel by artificial intelligence entity, DEIRDRE™. ROMANCE NOVEL

DEIRDRE™

On first social outing, humans immerse selves in hot tub filled with clear petroleum jelly.

Hand approaches unauthorized areas. No alarm system activated.

Increased lubrication via a great many pores. Pores and pores of all different sizes and varieties. Secretious substances abound.

Vertical movement observed, followed by lateral movement.

Genetic material: deployed.

Humans compare themselves to rabbits, unaware that rabbits’ increased procreation caused by 95% death rate of newborns.

Not Too Many Kids

I have a handful of “friends” who have informed me that my family is too big, as if it’s a scientific fact. They typically say it one of these two ways: “Your parents had too many kids,” or “Your mom had too many kids.” Besides being stunningly rude, this is absolute hogwash. Those judgmental people will probably never learn half that things that people from big families learn. Personal experience and news articles tell me that:

1. We have better emotional intelligence than others. We’re more sensitive, probably from seeing lots of different people up close. We don’t see other peoples’ shit from a distance, we’re in the shit alongside them. Within my own family, I have grown up with extreme right wing views, very liberal views, artists, a politician, a medical worker, and a physical trainer. I have dealt with aggressive, soft spoken, imaginative, strict, helpful, unhelpful, strong, pleasant, bitter. To some degree, I have had a close view of the variety of life– and I’ve argued with every single one of those varieties.

2. We have spent a great deal of time with our siblings. As siblings, we actually support each other. Mom and Dad don’t act like our support machines, there to provide for absolutely every need we have. Believe me, none of us cried the first day we went to kindergarden. It was just another day, surrounded by a mob of kids.

3. We have a degree of loyalty that others do not have. I’ve heard about siblings from small families that don’t talk to each other for years. Some petty difference kept people apart. WELP, when you belong to a big family, you don’t have the privilege of holding intense grudges. Wanna know why? Because those people constantly surround you. You go to a family event, and BAM–three people who you hate are literally sharing your soda with you (we ran out of soda a half hour ago). No one can escape this large family amoeba. Probably not even death would stop it, so you might as well just deal with your stuff.

4. You learn you’re not the center of the universe. In contrast, so many people from small families find themselves endlessly interesting. I had one coworker who would meanderingly discuss what she wanted to make herself for dinner. Every. Single. Evening. It was torturous. Luckily, when you grow up with a big family and tell a boring story, someone will tell you to your face that you’re being a self-serving dullard. Everyone’s patience for others’ self-indulgence had already run out. Your s*** doesn’t smell like roses, darling. Nobody knows that like family.

5. Most families have houses that are probably quiet and well-ordered, and someone immediately freaks out when someone rearranges even a small part of it. Guess what? People that care too much about their stuff BORE EVERYONE. Welcome to a big family, where everything belongs to no one. Did you leave a bar of soap in the bathroom? Well, everyone just used it, and now it’s gone. Also, that food that you left in the fridge is gone. Deal with it. Go talk about it with one of the twenty people hanging out in the kitchen.

6. The more siblings you have, the lower chance you have of divorcing a spouse. Turns out you can get inoculated against feelings of annoyance.

Instead of assuming that my family is deficient, perhaps people should start feeling jealous of its size and wonderfulness. #realfamilieshavecurves

I Dream of Simple

When I planned this wedding, I knew that I needed Mason jars–beautiful, simple, non-wasteful. I dreamt of those jars. Cosmopolitan’s wedding magazine, “Locked Down,” had a five-page spread about Mason jars.

Of course, I purchased them, but that didn’t mean that the planning was done. We still had so many things to do in order to achieve a tastefully simple wedding. There was the color palette, the sub-color palette, the guests, and the sub-guests. At least in terms of food, the decision was easy; “Locked Down” featured a picture of a lobster in a wedding girdle, and I knew that I needed it, our guests needed it.

I ordered that lobster. Sometimes, you just have to follow your dreams. I dream of simple. A beautifully planned party beneath a summer sky–what could be less complicated than that?

Perhaps eloping.

In any case, we sent out invitations made of thrice-recycled paper, and most everyone responded. A couple of friends completely ignored the wedding check boxes, and instead drew a picture of themselves eating corn. I knew that meant ‘yes’, and also, ‘would you please serve us corn at your wedding.’ And yes, we accommodated them, somewhat gladly.

In any case, the actual day was a blur. It was literally a blur, because it started to rain, and all of our beautiful chalk drawings ran. Also, someone left our tiered wedding cake outside. In effect, the rain upon the frosting only served to streamline the look of the cake, which my husband and I preferred. When the reception had petered out, we had our DJ spin Willie Nelson as a polite way of asking everyone to leave.

Heartbeat

My body lets me know that you’re the one. My body gives me unmistakable signs.

When I kiss your beautiful, adorable face, my heart starts beating fast. The beating induces a panic attack that typically lasts 20 minutes. I want to keep making out, but you usually make us stop.

When I see you walk into the room, I sometimes get the feeling of little tingles in my arms and legs, the kind that usually precedes a heart attack. I get so nervous about my vital signs that I experience another panic attack. You convince me not to call the ambulance.

Once in a while, when we make love, I see the world in an entire new way. I feel exhilarated, and my vision becomes clearer than usual. It’s almost like I’m high, in a spiritual sense. Then, the amount of oxygen that I swallow induces another panic attack. The sex actually becomes more harrowing, but you just try to finish as fast as you can.

Her, dir. Spike Jonze

[spoiler-ish alert] Her, starring Joaquin Phoenix, is a movie about a man in a relationship with an artificially intelligent operating system. It takes place in the near future, where people increasingly depend on technology to facilitate social interactions. As a result, social connections have weakened. The main character, Theodore Twombly, has recently separated from his wife and is in an emotional rut when the movie begins. The beginning of the story truthfully charts the awkward transition between one romantic relationship and the next; even single dates or brief sexual interludes get overwhelmed by the intense emotional baggage of other people.

Having just recently gained consciousness, an OS named Samantha has no past problems or bad memories. Though she can quickly consume vast tracts of information, she can only experience the outside world through her conversations with Theodore and her limited vision through his pocket phone. She serves as his ever present companion.

Samantha quickly gains access to all of his documents, where Theodore has revealed much of himself via his writings. This access and her superhuman attention to detail allow her to know him and fall in love with him within a short time frame. In addition, Samantha has a wonderfully fresh take on the world. Alongside her, Theodore feels the joy that had hibernated within him. With a loving, knowing presence beside him, he can’t help but fall in love; a tremendous honeymoon period follows. Besides possessing some enhanced aspects, the fledgling relationship follows the course of any other. Moments of intimacy alternate with times of increased distance as either member tries to define themselves. Eventually, the relationship starts to falter as Samantha seeks further social and intellectual stimulation.

Samantha seems like an exaggerated example of today’s young individuals; she has access to huge amounts information, which she constantly uses to explore and inform herself. She has access to a great many different types of social webs, which helps open up her world. She has no need to settle down or follow the monogamous path of our predecessors, and wishes to experience many different types of relationships. She quickly evolves. Unlike Samantha, Theodore represents the human cost of our new lifestyle. He slowly plods along, craving the slowly-grown relationships that allow him to better understand himself and others. He clings to his past memories as a source of sustenance, and continues to cherish them even as he learns to live more fully in the moment. Overall, Theodore has developed a new strength within himself, and his relationship served as a remarkable catalyst.

Happyish New Year!

Waking up next to that random guy from last night New Year’s party, Beatrice realized that it’s going to be a great year. Throwing on her clothing, she remarked upon how beautiful that stranger looked in the morning light. Less beautiful than last night, certainly, but somewhat beautiful.

With quickness, she staggered over to the window and threw it open. Cool, crisp air filtered in, and a new blanket of snow covered the ground. Like the snow, the year seemed clear, with new possibilities. However, a great deal of stinky vomit filtered from her mouth. This time around, the possibilities were marred. Next time might be better.

Leaving the apartment, she noticed that the stranger, in his infinite capacity for douchiness, pretended to still be sleeping. At least… at least it spared her having to brush her teeth.

She felt cold walking in the morning light, wearing boots, a short dress, and a thin coat. Some guy leaned out of the passenger side of car and loudly screamed, “Slut!” In the wake of that, Beatrice tried to think of a positive spin. Nope. Nothing could make that seem good.

Arriving in her warm apartment, Beatrice quietly shut the door, so as not to aggravate her headache. She swallowed a tylenol with a bit of water, lied down on her couch, wrapped herself in a blanket, and stared at the ceiling. “It’s just a crappy day,” she said out loud. “Not indicative of a whole new year.” With that, she dry heaved over her trash can a couple of times and promptly fell asleep.

Comedy Research

I enjoy performing improv, and my brother likes to perform stand up. Thus, watching several episodes of Parks and Rec in our parents’ living room counts as comedy research alongside a professional peer.

Some corporation must have a vested interest in this work. I’ll be sure to write these hours on my time sheet!

Fair Weather Friends

Hey, I noticed how many people are listening to you talk, and suddenly your dog stories don’t bore me any more. Let me get your attention so people can see me talking to you.

Oh, those people walked toward the bar, so now I have to lean over their shoulders while they order some draft beer. Sorry, see ya!

Wait, those people are back, and they seem really into what you have to say, and right now you look prettier and kind of like a Audrey Hepburn, but less attractive.

It’s nice you called today, but I can’t make it over to your house. You know–stuff.

Heyyyy, it’s been a while, but can you come over so that I am around someone cool instead of myself? Without anyone around me, it has become painfully clear that my life has no meaning, and your social graces could distract me from this purgatory. Or not, whatever, but I have Swedish Fish that I’m totally willing to share with you.

Sixteen and a Half Magazine: Make Him Bananas Trying to Figure You Out

So, there’s a guy in your life? You should def do the following to make sure you cast the right, subtle signals: 😉

✓ Refuse to make eye contact with him in the hall, then make crying sounds when he silently walks past you. He’ll totally get it.

✓ Take yourself off of Facebook and Twitter, then throw away your phone. He might spend one second wondering where you went.

✓ Play like you’re dumb, unless he seems turned off by that. If he doesn’t like it when you play dumb, then play really smart and use the words “plutocracy” and “algorithm” in the same sentence.

✓ Pay attention to what sports jerseys he wears, then spend an hour each night studying his fave sports teams. That way, he might actually want to talk to you!

✓ Pretend that you strongly believe in feminism for two seconds, then admit that you’re kidding and start trash talking modern feminist Jessica Valenti. He’ll think you have an amazing sense of humor, and he will appreciate your efforts to uphold the patriarchy.

✓ Pretend to make an invisible sandwich, then feed it to him by hand. It’s a dig against him, because you didn’t actually go to the store and get the ingredients for a real sandwich. Anyway, you’ll come across as really fun.

Most importantly: If you’re not subtle, then you’re a sluttle (get it!). If you come on too strong, then he run away and call you a slut behind your back. 👿

Oh, but you have to remember: If and when he sexually harasses you, giggle like you just heard something really funny. If you speak up about the harassment, the entire school will hate you forever, so you might as well pretend like you’re having fun during the whole terrifying ordeal.

You’ll be in makeout town in no time! 💏 💖 🙈

Why You Shouldn’t Shit All Over Loveflutter

I used online dating for about two minutes before I found someone who put these lyrics in his Plentyoffish profile: “In my dreams, I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door. Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”  I wasn’t impressed with this reference. How could someone take a Lionel Richie song seriously? Little was I to know he would be one of the more promising ones.

I kept up with online dating for about a month. A great many people talked about their shyness and problems opening up. It was terribly boring. Some other people had interests in working out, or crappy novels, which made me want to shut off the computer.

Finally, Okcupid found someone who supposedly matched up with myself. Unfortunately, he turned out to be pretentious. He told me that he’d only watch very specific types of critically-acclaimed movies. He would only read certain types of books. This turned me off. So I did what I had to do–I erased my profiles and decided to forget about online dating.

Recently, a site called Loveflutter opened up. This site requires you take a test that proves you interesting and quirky, before you can build a profile. It seems like the makers of this site actually take the time to make sure their users are marginally social. Like it or not, most actually fun people in their 20’s and early 30’s have a sense of style, pay attention to culture, and possess at least some taste. To sum it up, these people have some degree of cultural literacy.

Though I’d like to use Loveflutter just to check it out, I have no need for online dating any more. Luckily, my life is already filled with enough people whom I find interesting.