ROMANCE NOVEL by DEIRDRE™

Novel by artificial intelligence entity, DEIRDRE™. ROMANCE NOVEL

DEIRDRE™

On first social outing, humans immerse selves in hot tub filled with clear petroleum jelly.

Hand approaches unauthorized areas. No alarm system activated.

Increased lubrication via a great many pores. Pores and pores of all different sizes and varieties. Secretious substances abound.

Vertical movement observed, followed by lateral movement.

Genetic material: deployed.

Humans compare themselves to rabbits, unaware that rabbits’ increased procreation caused by 95% death rate of newborns.

Not Too Many Kids

I have a handful of “friends” who have informed me that my family is too big, as if it’s a scientific fact. They typically say it one of these two ways: “Your parents had too many kids,” or “Your mom had too many kids.” Besides being stunningly rude, this is absolute hogwash. Those judgmental people will probably never learn half that things that people from big families learn. Personal experience and news articles tell me that:

1. We have better emotional intelligence than others. We’re more sensitive, probably from seeing lots of different people up close. We don’t see other peoples’ shit from a distance, we’re in the shit alongside them. Within my own family, I have grown up with extreme right wing views, very liberal views, artists, a politician, a medical worker, and a physical trainer. I have dealt with aggressive, soft spoken, imaginative, strict, helpful, unhelpful, strong, pleasant, bitter. To some degree, I have had a close view of the variety of life– and I’ve argued with every single one of those varieties.

2. We have spent a great deal of time with our siblings. As siblings, we actually support each other. Mom and Dad don’t act like our support machines, there to provide for absolutely every need we have. Believe me, none of us cried the first day we went to kindergarden. It was just another day, surrounded by a mob of kids.

3. We have a degree of loyalty that others do not have. I’ve heard about siblings from small families that don’t talk to each other for years. Some petty difference kept people apart. WELP, when you belong to a big family, you don’t have the privilege of holding intense grudges. Wanna know why? Because those people constantly surround you. You go to a family event, and BAM–three people who you hate are literally sharing your soda with you (we ran out of soda a half hour ago). No one can escape this large family amoeba. Probably not even death would stop it, so you might as well just deal with your stuff.

4. You learn you’re not the center of the universe. In contrast, so many people from small families find themselves endlessly interesting. I had one coworker who would meanderingly discuss what she wanted to make herself for dinner. Every. Single. Evening. It was torturous. Luckily, when you grow up with a big family and tell a boring story, someone will tell you to your face that you’re being a self-serving dullard. Everyone’s patience for others’ self-indulgence had already run out. Your s*** doesn’t smell like roses, darling. Nobody knows that like family.

5. Most families have houses that are probably quiet and well-ordered, and someone immediately freaks out when someone rearranges even a small part of it. Guess what? People that care too much about their stuff BORE EVERYONE. Welcome to a big family, where everything belongs to no one. Did you leave a bar of soap in the bathroom? Well, everyone just used it, and now it’s gone. Also, that food that you left in the fridge is gone. Deal with it. Go talk about it with one of the twenty people hanging out in the kitchen.

6. The more siblings you have, the lower chance you have of divorcing a spouse. Turns out you can get inoculated against feelings of annoyance.

Instead of assuming that my family is deficient, perhaps people should start feeling jealous of its size and wonderfulness. #realfamilieshavecurves

I Dream of Simple

When I planned this wedding, I knew that I needed Mason jars–beautiful, simple, non-wasteful. I dreamt of those jars. Cosmopolitan’s wedding magazine, “Locked Down,” had a five-page spread about Mason jars.

Of course, I purchased them, but that didn’t mean that the planning was done. We still had so many things to do in order to achieve a tastefully simple wedding. There was the color palette, the sub-color palette, the guests, and the sub-guests. At least in terms of food, the decision was easy; “Locked Down” featured a picture of a lobster in a wedding girdle, and I knew that I needed it, our guests needed it.

I ordered that lobster. Sometimes, you just have to follow your dreams. I dream of simple. A beautifully planned party beneath a summer sky–what could be less complicated than that?

Perhaps eloping.

In any case, we sent out invitations made of thrice-recycled paper, and most everyone responded. A couple of friends completely ignored the wedding check boxes, and instead drew a picture of themselves eating corn. I knew that meant ‘yes’, and also, ‘would you please serve us corn at your wedding.’ And yes, we accommodated them, somewhat gladly.

In any case, the actual day was a blur. It was literally a blur, because it started to rain, and all of our beautiful chalk drawings ran. Also, someone left our tiered wedding cake outside. In effect, the rain upon the frosting only served to streamline the look of the cake, which my husband and I preferred. When the reception had petered out, we had our DJ spin Willie Nelson as a polite way of asking everyone to leave.

Makeup Tutorial

Oh, sweetie. We’re actually going to start with a base, to make your face look less craggy than usual. We’re going to put a layer of extremely opaque foundation across. It will look smooth and clear, as if someone had spilled a truck full of molasses over the highway.

Now that we have that done, your more obviously foul imperfections will need addressing. For the molehills on the side of your face, some whitish paste, which we heavily smear on.

Now, we pick a powdery eye shadow. We need the kind that can heavily shade, transforming the way they look, if only to avoid the natural shape of your own eye.

Good, and now we must highlight above and below the eye, for the express purpose of visually contorting your face. Trust me, if I could mold your face like silly putty I would, but as of now that is scientifically impossible. A $50 product will have to do.

The eyebrows we will make a shade darker, but not too dark. Just enough to give you a sense of personality that you so obviously lack.

AND the lips. We will put two layers of vaseline followed by one layer of lipstick (different colors for the top and bottom) and then finish it off with another three layers of vaseline. Remember, if someone feels compelled to kiss you, your evening automatically qualifies as a success. Hopefully, they like vaseline.

Feminists Agree: Reddit Troll was Right

In an overwhelmingly unified response, the vast majority of contemporary Feminists have agreed that Reddit user BigD560789 has cracked the code of modern-day, academic feminism. His opinions, originally published on the popular site, Reddit.com, include phrases such as, “What about the men?” “Women are breed sows”, and, most succinct, “Women suck”. The public’s attention has ignited around the labeling of an entire social movement as a non-issue.

BigD560789’s brief but powerful body of work rapidly gained credibility as social media sites including Buzzfeed and Gawker endorsed his collection of sentences. Within hours of the publication of BigD560789’s canon, Wikipedia’s definition of feminism changed simply to: BigD560789. Repudiated news source The New York Times ran a front page spread announcing, “Experts Agree: Feminism Extinct”. CNN wrote, “Feminism is Dead, and BigD560789 Has Killed It.” Most notably, Correspondents on Fox News Media have earnestly, doggedly advocated the designation of a national holiday in the name of this memorable event, as well as the nomination of the Reddit user to the status of national hero.

Less importantly, individual feminists have begun to weigh in on the rapid resolution of this age-old problem. Says previously-renowned ex-feminist Gloria Steinem, “When I read that peerless phrase, ‘Women should just get back in the kitchen’, I was floored. BigD560789 has stumbled upon the one true solution; we women simply need to stay at home and take care of our husbands and our husbands’ progeny. Years ago, if we had silently put down our signs and walked back into our kitchens, we might have spared ourselves from countless hours demonstrating.”

Feministing.com, one of the nation’s most heavily-trafficked site devoted to feminism, has shut down in acquiescence to the end of the movement. Says Lori Adelman, the site’s executive director, “Why bother any more? It’s all been said, namely by BigD560789. We should accept our clear and apparent inferiority and discover ways to contribute to society while sustaining positions of little to no power.”

Recites radical feminist Jessica Valenti, “BigD560789 famously wrote: ‘Compared to men, women clearly make equal money for the same work–but even if women didn’t receive the same, they deserve it.’ His statement has opened my eyes to the truth,” she said, sitting in silence for a number of seconds. “It all makes sense now. I can finally stop speaking drivel that no one listened to anyway.”

Roles for Very Attractive Women

Quite frequently in movies, a Very Attractive Woman (VAW) plays the scene support, which typically involves smiling and saying nothing. In these movies, the not-particularly-attractive man does something mildly clever that ends up misfiring, or the man makes a total fool of himself, and VAW watches with a benevolent look on her face. Her eyes are crinkled and she has a big smile. This expression remains on her face for several minutes straight while the man continues to fall on his ass. One has to wonder what exactly VAW–a person with considerable sexual power–want with a schlub? More importantly, can anyone actually freeze their face thusly without incurring permanent damage?

In all seriousness, exactly does the studio executive assume happens within the mind of that woman? Perhaps they believe that women think this way:

This stranger is insipid, but the sight of him falling on his face is funnier than anything any comedian has ever said, ever. All this laughing and smiling makes me want to have sex with him immediately, and/or fall in love with him, depending on what he needs right now in his life.

So, apparently, studio executives believe in magic, which should come as a shock to no one. However, one has to wonder what goes through the minds of the actress while she plays this mindless part. Does she access some sort of fond childhood memory that brings her unbridled joy? Does she think about a nice dessert? Perhaps she imagines how she would react if Jesus came down from heaven and asked her on a date.

Comedic TV Style

Fox’s new-ish series, Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013), is like an elementary school play cast with Disney child stars. The series makes predictable jokes based on its premise: depicting work life in a Police Station. Truly, the actors perform with deadly comedic accuracy. This excellent delivery serves to brightens up the show; however, it can’t make up for its sluggish pace.

In contrast, more cutting-edge shows do not build in dead space between jokes. Thus, if viewers don’t find a particular line amusing, they do not have to sit through a couple of action-less seconds. more sophisticated series run at a quicker pace. They spit out multiple jokes in a fast succession. Even if the humor fail to hit home, another, possibly better joke is right on the horizon. This makes the experience far less boring. Comedy Central’s Broad City (2014) is a show that follows this quicker format.

Broad City depicts life for two twenty-somethings in New York City. It seems to capture the seemingly-aimless spirit of millennials’ lives. Dating mishaps, drug use, scraping by, falling short of a creative dream–it’s all there. Jacobson and Glazer take these issues, which could be construed as negative absences in a twenty-something’s life, and transform them into quality comedy. In terms of covering daily life, it’s like Seinfeld, but edgier (and more prone to the occasional classist joke).

Writers of Broad City seems to understand that it’s best to cut a joke and move on immediately. They tend to drop a bomb of zaniness, and then move out of the area as fast as possible. It keeps the humor fresh and fun. Find a way to check out this show; it’s worth it.

Why We Should All Hate The Sock Bun Hairstyle

Let’s just start by re-naming the sock bun hairstyle. We will call it the donut bun for obvious reasons, and it will forever be known thusly.

Why should we hate this hairstyle? It hearkens back to days of heavy regality. It looks like something that should have fallen out of style a good 500 years ago, back when people decided that outfits should contain less than 20 pounds of tulle. With that massive donut perched up there, it looks like you acquired another 5 pounds of hair. What, did you need a nest for your tiny, $3,000 French Bulldog? Why else could you possibly need that many strands?

It’s one of those hairstyles that’s almost impossible to pull off–most people have saggy, tilty dishevelment on their crowns. The bun sticks with all of the tenacity of a melting pat of butter. It seems that only the hair elite can pull this one off. The well-behaved donut bun looks immaculate, with every little strand in its respective place.

This look required more choreography than a Broadway dance number.

Before 2013, it was literally impossible to find a hairstyle too fancy for your own wedding, but then the donut bun dropped on us. Nowadays, a bride who chooses to donut herself would only have to lean back on the toilet in order to rumple the entire thing. In order to keep her hair intact, she would have to dance at her own reception with an amount of force equivalent to a hummingbird approaching a nearby flower. No laughing allowed, especially the kind where you throw your head back.

The donut bun: because stodgy just made a comeback.

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Seriously.

Just watched a video posted again and again by American bloggers. In the vid, women danced (terribly, in true European form) in the windows of a building in Amsterdam’s red light district. Male passerbys were positively drooling where they stood on the street. As the women finished their concern-inducing gyrating (I was legitimately worried), a screen at the top of the building lit up, saying that women foreign to Denmark are promised a career in dancing, which lures them into sex trafficking.

Amsterdam is such a random, specific corner of the world, but judging from the vid’s sheer popularity, one could infer that everyone should immediately race to learn more about human trafficking in this one city. It’s the only place in the world where it happens, right?

Nope. It happens fifteen minutes away from where I sit, in a suburb in the United States of America. In fact, during our culturally treasured major sporting events like the Superbowl, American cities explode with an influx of men willing to use girls and women held against their will.

This over-earnest concern about how poorly foreign countries operate/ how foreign men behave is sensationalist and disingenuous, and allows us to ignore the problems we have within our borders and among our citizens. It takes a very high level of willful ignorance to sustain our belief in our country’s innocence.